Inhale
by Dark Devil14
Summary: A Line to the bathroom....Jiang Wei, Zhao Yun, and Ma Chao are waiting..what happens after waiting for so long?
1. Inhale

It was early morning and mostly everyone was awake. I was still asleep, but what woke me up was a line to the bathroom. Jiang Wei was in the front so I guess he's been there for a while. Zhao Yun was right in front of me with his big eyes open. I thought they were kinda cute. I didn't have the nerve to talk so I just stood there waiting for my turn just like the rest.

I woke up (again) on the floor, and the line was still there. Zhao Yun helped me stand up still.

"God…I have been here for almost 15 minutes, and if I leave, the line will surely get longer," cried Jiang Wei.

"It's just been fifteen minutes Wei. Be patient," said Zhao Yun.

"Oh shut up. You and your stupid patience and your..your..your..stupid..things. I bet Ma Chao is also sick of this. Aren't you Ma Chao," asked Jiang.

I heard him but I was too sleepy to answer back.

"Uh huh…" I mumbled.

"Who's in there anyways," asked Yun.

"I'm not sure but they better hurry up. Why do they only have 1 bathroom here anyways," asked Jiang.

"Well…said Yun, they do have another but that's only for the women."

I saw Jiang Wei's face and it looked quite nice.

"They only have like, and with this fingers he counted, 2 women here! It's Yue Ying and Xing Cai!" raged Jaing Wei.

After that, Jiang Wei was thinking. _I would go in there but I don't want to see anything of the woman's. I like guy things. Yeah! I'm a gay guy, and I'll wait here just like a man I am! _He was smiling.

I was curious to what Jiang Wei was thinking with that face of his, but I'll just wait.

Time passed by slowly and I was getting pissed. Jiang Wei and Zhao Yun were just standing there like men they are. Finally, we heard the toilet flush and the doorknob turning. All three of us were in suspense. Pang Tong had come out with a magazine. He wasn't the only thing that came out. Just seconds after he came out, a really disgusting odor came out! I dropped on the floor rolling and covering my nose. Jiang And Zhao did the same but since they were closer, they had to suffer more.

"What's wrong with you guys? It has just been precisely 1 hour and 23 minutes. That's not that long," said Tong.

We were still on the floor covering our noses rolling like freaks until Zhang Fei rushed in the bathroom. I was so shocked because he couldn't smell that stench. Just one minute after, he came out with a smile on his face.

" That hit the spot!" he shouted.

"You don't smell that?" asked Jiang Wei scared.

"Smell what?" answered Fei.

We all looked at him with confusion.

Then he said, "Ok…whatever. You guys are weird. On the floor with your stupid small hands covering your small noses." Then he left.

"I've been here too long. Time for me to get out of here," said Pang Tong and he left.

We were all…just dead confused and starting to stand up.

" Ah…you first," said Jiang Wei

"No..no…you were first in line," cried Zhao Yun.

" Nah…I can still wait…and besides…ladies first…" smiled Wei.

Zhao Yun looked at him with a distinctive face and they just kept on going on, arguing, and arguing. I just stood there waiting to see who wins, and if no one does after the smell is gone, I'll just shoot myself in. For now…I'll just enjoy the show.


	2. Mysterious Water

The fight was still going on and it has been a while so I just went in. About 5 minutes later, I was ready for some action! I wasn't expecting this action that I saw when I took a couple of steps out of the bathroom. Jiang Wei and Zhao Yun had stopped fighing and they were staring me, with this expression that I couldn't tell. I looked at them with a confusion face and before I took one more step, I noticed the floor had a puddle. I wonder what is was and I found out after looking at the toilet.

"Who did this?" I yelled out.

Zhao and Jiang were pointing to each other, blaming one another. I couldn't bare them fighting again so I shouted, " Shut up!"

They stood still there looking at me scared. I had to examine them to see who did this. Personally, I didn't want to so this, but if I didn't find out who did it, someone else would find out about this and them 2 would blame it on me, and I would have to clean up that spot. I looked at them carefully. Then I noticed that Jiang Wei's pants were wet.

"Jiang Wei!" I screamed.

"What! You took too long in there! What did you want me to do, hold it? It's been about 1 hour and 45 minutes since I waited for the bathroom," he argued.

I gave him an evil look, and asked, "Well, aren't you going to clean this up?"

"No." was the reply.

I pushed him to the wall.

"Look! I had enough of you being a child! You need to learn and grow up and start being a man," I shouted.

"Ay man! Your not my mom, and when were you so serious about things like this?" he asked.

" Let's just say that I haven matured during these years. Not like you, still a child and playing ridiculous games."

"Ok dude…" he said.

While we were arguing, Zhao Yun had gone into the bathroom. Jiang Wei ran knocking on the door complaining. I just pretended that I didn't know them and left to go do some practicing. Meanwhile, Jiang Wei had barely found out that he didn't need it anymore because of his accident, and he could also use the lake water outside to wash his face and stuff. He also left knowing that he needed to clean up the mess, but he just got lazy.

Zhao Yun came out and saw that the puddle was still there. He would clean it, for the sake of Jiang Wei but he had to go see his lord, so he left. An hour later, Zhuge Liang was gonna go to the bathroom but had noticed the puddle.

"Hmm…someone must have accidentally spilled something," he said so he went to go get a sponge and a bucket of water.

He came back will a full bucket of water. It was heavy so the water splashed on his gown every step he took, and he didn't know. Right when he put the bucket down, Yue Ying came.

"My husband, what are you doing?" she asked.

I answered, "There was an accident and so I'm cleaning it up."

Yue Ying was ok with that but she saw a wet spot down where Zhuge's treasure was and she became disgusted.

"Zhuge Liang! That is disgusting!" she screamed.

Then she marched out of the halls. Zhuge was so confused. Then he saw his wet spot.

" Wait Yue Ying! It wasn't me!" he said running to her, leaving the bucket of water, sponge, and the puddle there.


	3. Replacement

As Zhuge Liang rushed out to chasing after Yue Ying, he left the stuff there, and never came back. About 40 minutes later, Wei Yan passed by them. He backed up and was wondering what they were. (If you forgot or didn't read chapter 2, it was the puddle, sponge, and bucket of water). He smelled everything and didn't find anything wrong with them.

He took the sponge, looked at it and pondered. Then, he took a small bite out of it. After swallowing it, he thought it was delicious, so he ate the whole thing. He had no problem chewing the thing. Wei Yan couldn't swallow the big chunk, so he took the bucket of water and drank it. He was literally choking, but he came to swallowing the sponge.

Just after, he burped out a smell of sponge. Ew. After wiping his mouth, he looked at the floor. It was the puddle, but he didn't know that. Yan had forgotten that he ever saw that and thought that he spilled the water. Knowing that he might get in trouble, he kneeled down and drank it. The floor was now puddle-free. Afterward, he was satisfied and was about to leave until his stomach started to grumble. Wei Yan, the beast of Shu threw up on the floor! It was just water and chunks of the sponge.

After pouring out all he had eaten, he started to feel dizzy, so he went to find Zhuge Liang to help him out, leaving his leftovers there on the floor…

**I know it's short but I had to have Wei Yan do something crazy….**

**Also...if you still remember, the bathroom was right next to him…he could have just ran in there…but I guess he's too stupid…no offense to those Wei Yan lovers.**


	4. Bombarded Beard

**Hour after hour, someone always suffers from the puddle/barf…don't you wonder who suffers next?**

Wei Yan dizzily ran out of the hall, and left his barf there on the floor. He knew that he was going to get in trouble but he had to get help before anything else happens. Meanwhile, someone heard Yan running and started to run to where he heard it. When he got there, he didn't know what happened, so he left.

When that guy got outside, he met up with Red Hare. Red Hare saw something on his foot so he licked it. He looked down to see what it was. There was nothing so he thought that Red Hare had licked his shoe. Before he walked away, Red Hare collapsed down to the floor. He eagerly went to listen to his heart. It wasn't beating. Soon after he began to cry. Looking back, he was going to get a shovel to give Red Hare a proper burial, but saw his footsteps. They was redish /yellow-ish steps. Knowing that was the problem, he ignored that for now and went to get a shovel first.

"Here you go Lord Guan," said the farmer.

"Thank You," Guan answered.

"What do you need it for anyway?" the farmer asked.

"I wanted to plant a tree down the castle," he lied.

As he dug the hole, he hoped that something good will happen to this horse in the Heavens. Guan Yu couldn't carry the horse to the hole so he had to push it in. It fell in the hole and gave a small quake around them. Finally, Guan Yu buried him, sobbing. Now that, that was over, he could finally see what was the problem was.

He carefully followed his tracks. It leads him to the barf puddle. Guan didn't know what the hell it was but started to investigate by putting a small mask covering his nose and mouth.

Blood was the first thing he thought it was, but the yellow didn't make sense to him. He went closer to it by knelling down. He looked closer and closer, but couldn't find out what it was. He got up and noticed that his long beard was covered in the barf. He tried getting it out, but couldn't, so he went in the bathroom and soaked it for a while. Getting his beard out of the sink, he took off the mask and it smelled disgusting.

He got some soap and started to rub the smell out but he couldn't. Tired, he just got a comb and combed it. Didn't know what to do with the smell, he would just lie about the smell who ever notices it, hoping that it would go away. Just after, he noticed that he couldn't comb his beard. Pissed off, he tired as hard as he can and ripped half of his beard off. It hurt him and he got soar, he picked up hundreds and hundreds of his hair and flushed it down the toilet.

As he got out of the bathroom, he heard footsteps. That person couldn't see him like this so he quickly walked the other direction to his room. Leaving the barf and some strands of hair in the bathroom.

**I know your tired of reading people suffering so there is only gonna be one more person to suffer…then...the next part of the story…**


	5. Consequences

**This is not really a funny chapter. Sry

* * *

**

Lord Guan Yu was out of the halls and the footsteps stopped. It was Liu Xuande (Liu Bei). He was wondering what was going on. He didn't see anything, so he stepped in the bathroom. In there, there was nothing unusual. Liu Bei was pissed because he hates spirits, and he think one is upon him. It was quiet. Then, he looked down. He saw pieces of hair. He thought it was just someone shaving his or her pubic hair.

Just noticing, he needed the bathroom, but when he looked in the toilet, he saw strands of hair. He got scared and ran outside. Then, he slipped on the barf puddle. Liu Bei was in the air, and his face landed on the puddle.

"EHHH! He screamed. "Who in the hell did this!"

After being so pissed, he ran around the castle looking for everyone to meet him in the Main Room. They all stopped what they were going and went there, confused.

In the Main Room, everyone was there except for Huang Zhong.

"….#!" grunted Liu Bei.

"What is it my lord?" asked Zhao Yun.

"Has anyone noticed the puddle next to the bathroom?" Liu Bei asked.

"Puddle? Didn't…" Ma Chao said.

Jiang Wei looked nervous and scared.

"Didn't what," asked Liu Bei.

"Never mind, I don't really remember," answered Ma Chao.

Jiang Wei sighed.

"Yeah, my lord, I remember something about it too, but I can't fully remember it," said Zhao Yun.

"Hmm? Ok? Whoever noticed the puddle, raise your hand," commanded Liu Bei.

Zhuge Liang, Yue Ying, Guan Yu, Ma Chao, Zhao Yun raised their hand. Wei Yan was still a bit sick, so he didn't really know what happened.

Zhuge saw him and asked in the language of Wei Yan, "You…see…puddle?"

"Me…saw…yellow…bucket…. water", he answered.

"Bucket, water, yellow? I got a bucket of water and yellow sponge, but that was to clean up the puddle."

"Really?" asked Liu Bei.

" Yes, I saw him. He had a bucket of water and a sponge to clean up his piss," said Yue Ying.

"What!" cried Liu Bei and Zhuge.

" I told you! I already saw it on the floor!" shouted Zhuge.

"Oh whatever! Your pants or gown whatever you wear was wet!" cried Ying.

"That's because I spilled water on my clothes!" he barked.

"Oh sure you did! Why would you clean up something that isn't yours?" she asked

He answered, " That's because…no one else would clean it, so I just wanted to help. Calm down my wife."

Yue Ying stood still, pissed.

"Ok…that kinda helped. So, since you saw the puddle, you tired to clean it, and something happened, so you left the stuff there. Then Wei Yan said that he saw the stuff there…hmm?" said Liu Bei.

"Wei Yan, what did you do with the stuff," he asked.

"I…ate…stuff…" he answered.

"That's it?" Liu Bei wondered.

"I…threw…up……went…to...find…him(Pointing to Zhuge Liang)…"

"YOU THREW UP!" Liu Bei screamed.

"Sorry…"

"That means……………UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" cried Liu Bei.

"Is something wrong?" asked Zhao Yun.

"I tripped and my face landed on the…AHHHH!OMG!"

Everybody was disgusted.

"Can the people who didn't see the puddle or whatever leave?" asked Pang Tong.

"Yes. The people who didn't see anything can leave," said Liu Bei.

Zhang Fei, Pang Tong, Guan Ping, Xing Cai, and Jiang Wei left, and everyone else stayed.

"Ok. Since Zhuge Liang said that he first saw it, then Wei Yan, and Guan Yu?"

"Yes, I saw the throw up, not the puddle or whatever," replied Guan.

"What did you do?" asked Liu.

"I...ignored it."

"So…what happened to your beard?"

Liu Bei noticed that it had been shorter.

"Oh….umm…I got a it cut," hesitated Guan.

"Did you cut it in the bathroom?"

"ahh?"

"Don't lie brother."

"Ok fine! I did. I combed my bread and it just tore up! Happy?"

"Whoa…that's so rad!" exclaimed Ma Chao.

"Totally!" Zhao Yun joined in.

"Ok, said Liu Bei. That solved the hair mystery, but who started the whole thing. Ma Chao and Zhao Yun, you guys are the only ones left. Are you sure you don't remember?

"Wait...let me think…" Ma Chao said

Zhao Yun was just closing his eyes, concentrating. When Ma Chao looked at him, he began to wonder.

Hmm…I know it happened this morning. Tch…look at Zhao Yun and his sleepy eyes…makes me wanna sleep…SLEEP! OH YEAH! I woke up and there was the line, and the piss!

" My lord! I remember!" Ma Chao exclaimed.

Everyone looked at him with excitement.

" Zhao Yun, remember? You, Jiang Wei and, I were waiting in line for the bathroom, and like you guys had a fight and then Jiang Wei…"

"Took a piss on the floor," Zhao Yun continued for Ma Chao.

"OH MY GOD!" yelled everyone.

"How dare he leave this room! My brother, can you go fetch him for me?" asked Liu.

"Of course," he answered, and left the room.

"What are you gonna do to him?" Ma Chao asked Liu Bei.

"Oh…I know exactly what to do with him."

Then his eyes turned all red and small. Zhuge Liang was about to laugh his pants off but he held it. Yue Ying didn't know what was happening, Ma Chao, and Zhao Yun were scared, and Wei Yan was cleaning himself.

"LET ME GO YOU BASTARD!" yelled out Jiang Wei while being held on by Lord Guan.

"Ahh! You guys are back," said Liu Bei.

"Prime Minister! Help me!"

"After you explain to us!" screamed Zhuge.

Guan Yu let him go and he dropped to the floor.

"Jiang Wei, take a seat," requested Liu Bei.

He sat down and said, "OK! I know what I did, and I will have to face the consequences! What are they? For god sakes, it's just pee."

"Now, now…calm down. Yes, you will have to pay the consequences, but…"

"But nothing! Just tell me what to do you slowass."

"FINE! I WAS GONNA SAY ' BUT SINCE YOU ARE ONE OF MY TOP GENERALS, YOU DON'T HAVE TO' BUT SINCE YOU WERE SO EAGER TO HEAR YOUR CONCEQUENCES, I WILL TELL YOU"

"Gezz… where did you come from?"

"You consequences aren't that bad. You are to serve everyone you screwed up one day each person . Knowing that they are Zhuge Liang, Wei Yan, Guan Yu, and me, you will be punished for 4 days."

"Fine! How hard can it be to serve these buffoons? Not you Prime Minister, but everyone else."

"Ok…you will go in this order;

First Day: Zhuge Liang

Second Day: Wei Yan

Third Day: Guan Yu

Forth: Me

Your punishment will start tomorrow."

"OK!"

Everyone left the room, and Ma Chao whispered to Zhao Yun, "Dude, if he were to serve me, I would tell him to wipe my ass every time I go to the bathroom."

"You are just wrong"

* * *

**Bad isn't it? I failed but I'm sure it will get better soon.**


	6. Sima Surprise!

**DynastyWarriors: Hieirulesall, you're right. It was Ma Chao's fault…but…I don't know…I would be pissed if Jaing Wei took a piss on my floor. Well…since you reviewed on almost all my chapters, I guess I can let Jiang Wei off easy…this time…**

**(You'll see in the reviews…to any other readers…)**

It was the first day of Jiang Wei's consequences. Right when he woke up, he got ready, and went to Zhuge Liang's quarters. Before, he entered, he heard Yue Ying yelling at him!

"You never tell me you love me!" cried Ying.

"Oh! I like you ever tell me that too!" replied Laing!

"The men are supposed to say it first!"

"Whatever Yue Ying! Sima Yi calls you a man!"

"So you married a man?"

"YES!"

"Oh shut up!"

Yue Ying was pissed off so she headed for the door. When she opened it, it slammed Jiang Wei's face on the other side…

"Oh! I'm sorry Jiang Wei."

"It's ok Yue Ying," he said in pain.

"Oh yeah…your suppose to serve _my husband_ huh?"

"Ye…ah…"

"He's in there."

"Thank you."

Then she left, and he went in.

"Prime Minister?"

"Oh! Jiang Wei…good to see you." He exclaimed

"So…what do you want me to do?" Jiang Wei asked.

"Let me think of something."

"Yes Prime Minister."

"OH! You can stop calling me that. Call me "Lord Zhuge Liang."

"Yes, Pri…Lord Zhuge Liang."

Time was passing by slowly and Zhuge Liang still hasn't thought of anything…

"Lord Zhuge Liang, are you going to tell me to…"

"I GOT IT!" Liang yelled.

"Finally!" Jiang said.

"Hold on! I have to go get you something," Liang said and left.

He came back after a few minutes with a big box. (Guess about 5 feet 6 inches)…

"What is that?"

"It has something really big inside. It's really fragile so don't do anything to it. Now...this is a surprise I have, to get Sima Yi really pissed off. So, I want you to deliver this to him."

"What! screamed Jiang Wei. You must be crazy! I'll get killed!"

"Oh, you won't have to directly send this to him. He has a really big window to his room. Go to that window and you'll just dump it in there."

"And this is my punishment?"

"Yes…after this, you won't have to do anything else for me."

"Yes Lord Zhuge Liang," said Jiang Wei, and left with a carriage and about 10 soldiers.

He rode about…243 miles…with the carriage carrying the box.

"_I wonder what it really is," _he though, but didn't want to ruin his Lord's plan to dominate Sima Yi.

It was nighttime when he got there. They all saw the window. Quietly, they forwarded to the window. Jiang Wei peeked inside and no one was there. He told the 10 soldiers to carefully lift the box and bring it to him. Jiang Wei took one side and slid the giant box inside. It dropped slowly on to his bed. Before Jiang Wei left, he took some of Sima Yi's dresses (DW4) to try them on someday. Then, they all left…

Meanwhile:

"Sima Yi! Get that dress off you and put something decent on! This is my birthday for good sake!" yelled out Cao Cao.

"GEZZ! I rather wear this _dress _and never come back to this party down here again!" replied Sima Yi.

"Fine! I'll have someone send you a piece of my delicious Oreo-flavored Ice-cream cake."

"Keep your stupid cake. I'll go upstairs to plan on dominating your dynasty."

"Whatever! MORE FOR ME!" yelled Cao Cao.

Pissed off, Sima Yi headed upstairs to his room. When he got there, he noticed the box.

"What the…" he said.

There was a note suck on the box. He took it and it read…

" I am giving you this because I don't want it anymore. Please enjoy it…it was very special to me in certain times. I never really meant to hurt you, but if I did, I'm sorry. Here it is!"

From Cao Cao.

"P.S: If you are going to open it, do it slowly and carefully, or you'll damage it."

Puzzled, he carefully opened it. It took him a while to. When he opened it, he saw something he would have never suspected. YUE YING!

"What!" he cried.

She was sleeping in the box, and Sima Yi found another note. This time, it read…

"Oh! Did I say Cao Cao. I'm sorry. I needed to send this to you quick. She was a real pain in the ass. And! Didn't you say that you wanted a man of your own to torture and piss off? Well here _he_ is! Don't mind sending her back. I cast a spell on _him_, and now, _he_ will be on you forever, drunk. Good luck!"

Love, You Know Who I Am

"P.S: She will wake up after you finish reading this note."

He looked at her. She woke up…looking at Sima Yi. He stared at her, afraid.

"SIMA YI! YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU LOVED ME!" she screamed.

"WHAT?" he said.

"You don't love me do you husband?" she cried.

"You fool! Zhuge Liang is your husband!"

She ignored him and started to mess around in his room.

"OH! These are so pretty. Look at these dresses! OMG!"

Sima Yi, looking at her angrily said to himself, "Damn you Zhuge Liang! I will get you for this! Exterminating your wife won't matter now! She is worthless! I'll send you a hyper Zhang He if I have to!"

Then he stopped. He saw Yue Ying trying on his clothes…

"YOU FOOL! STOP THAT! YOUR GONNA DESTORY MY FAVORITE OUTFIT!"

"But it looks better on a girl!" she said.

"Your not a girl…you're a man…"said Sima Yi.

"HOW DARE YOU!"

**Yeah…. I couldn't think of a really good ending….sry…well, I guess you won't be seeing Yue Ying around…haha…well…_she_ was cool…or _he_…**


	7. 3 in 1

After riding thorough the night, Jiang Wei accomplished Zhuge Liang's bidding. It was day two and it was Wei Yan's turn.

"I wonder how, I will understand that freak. He doesn't speak English."

He went to his quarters and saw Wei Yan next to a big bucket of water.

"Ahh? What is this?" Jiang Wei asked.

"You……give……me……bath" he replied.

"WHAT?"

"It….order!"

"I ain't giving you no bath!"

"I……kill……you…"

"Ok! FINE!"

Wei Yan started to undress himself, but Jiang Wei didn't look. Yan hopped onto the big bucket of water and told Jiang Wei he's ready.

"Ready…"

Jiang Wei folded up his sleeves, and walked slowly towards him.

"HURRY…!"

"OK!" Jiang Wei's anger was about to take over.

Taking a sponge, he began to pour some water on top of Wei Yan's back and began to scrub. While he was scrubbing, he thought 'I rather die!'

"To……left…" Wei Yan commanded.

"Yes…your_ highness_!"

After a few moments of scrubbing and suffering, Wei Yan finally got out of the tub. Jiang Wei quickly turned around so he won't have to see anything inappropriate.

"You…dry…me…"

"WHAT!"

"Here…use…these…" he said and giving Jiang Wei some towels.

Closing his eyes, Jiang Wei began drying Wei Yan's body.

"OK! Put your clothes on!"

So, Wei Yan did put some clothes on, but it didn't really make a difference because the clothes were all ripped up and revealing.

"Finally. Can I go now?"

"Yes…

Jiang Wei happily sighed.

"Come……back…1…hour"

"WHAT!"

"Leave!" Wei Yan yelled.

Jiang Wei was planning not to come, but since everyone knew what he was suppose to serve Wei Yan he had no choice…

During that hour, Jiang Wei was practicing with his spear…and that's it…

After that hour passed, he reported back to Wei Yan's quarters.

"What do you want now?"

"Make……me……food……chicken……"

"Make YOU food?"

"I….want….chicken…"

Jiang Wei thought for a second. "_For me to make him chicken, I have to kill one, but I don't want to…I got an idea…_"

"Wei Yan, just wait just a few moments and I'll have your chicken."

He ran outside, and took out a cell phone. He called "Orange Chicken" and made an order to quickly bring him a whole chicken.

About 10 minutes later, the delivery guy came and gave the chicken to Jiang Wei. (Paid of course)

"Here is your chicken."

He gave the whole chicken to Wei Yan, and in just a few moments, Wei Yan finished the whole things. Even the bones were devoured.

"Oh my….Lord Liu Bei."

"I……hungry."

" I noticed…can I go now?"

"Come…….back……..at……..night"

"Night? Why night?"

"You…….see……."

Jiang Wei left his quarters and began to wonder why he wanted him to come at night…

Before night came, Jiang Wei was feeding himself and just talking to people about what he had to do.

"He made me give him a bath!" Jiang Wei told Ma Chao and Zhao Yun.

"Did you look at him?" Ma Chao asked sarcastically.

"No!"

"Are you sure?" Zhao Yun added in.

"NO! Why would I look at him?"

"Because…you are those people who would…"answered Ma Chao.

"You guys are stupid!" yelled Jiang Wei.

He left both of them laughing their guts off. Soon after, night came by and Jiang Wei finally came back Wei Yan's quarters.

"Ok? What do you want NOW?"

"You…sleep…with…me…"

"WHAT!"

"You…sleep…here"(patting the side next to his bed)

"Why do you want me to sleep with you." Jiang Wei asked scared.

"You…my…teddy bear…"

"OMG! I RATHER DIE!"

(but if Jiang Wei dies, Inhale will be worthless)

"Ok, Fine! I'll do it for my fans!"

So Jiang Wei crept in the bed…and started to shake. Wei Yan thought he was cold so he gave him half of his blanket and hugged him as if he were a teddy bear.

"I can't believe I am doing this…I'm sleeping with a half-man half-beast. But if it's for my fans, I'll do it."

So throughout the night, Jiang Wei and Wei Yan slept quietly.

"Look at them!" Ma Chao told Zhao Yun looking out the window with the binoculars.

"You are so sad, spying on our friend like that, said Zhao Yun.

"What? Don't you know what he'll do in bed with another man?" Ma Chao asked.

"No…" answered Zhao Yun

"You disgust me!" cried Ma Chao.

Zhao Yun ignored him and crawled into bed. Ma Chao also sleepy, put down the binoculars and crawled right next the Zhao Yun. So…everybody enjoyed a peaceful sleep that night until…

"Ma Chao, what are your freakin hands doin there?"


	8. Horses Gone Wild

Jiang Wei woke up right next to a drooling Wei Yan. He quietly took his belongings and left Yan's quarters.

Quickly, he got ready to go to Guan Yu's quarters.

Jiang Wei slammed open the door and shouted, "Sorry I'm late my Lord."

Guan Yu was standing there, angry.

"Do you realized what you have done?" Guan Yu asked.

"No…what have I done?"

"You killed Red Hare!"

"Oh! DID I?"

"Bastard! Don't be cute!"

Jiang Wei scoffs, "Sorry!"

Guan Yu angrily said, "I don't care how much money it takes, or how many lives you have to take, you will get me another horse as fast as Red Hare!"

Jiang Wei gave him a shocked expression, "That horse runs 1 thousand miles! It's impossible to look for another!

"You can be my horse you know!"

"F U! I'll go see if I can get your horse!"

"F U?" Guan Yu said in confusion.

"Yeah. You got to get out some more! Later Dawg"

"Dog?" asked Guan Yu.

At the market, Jiang Wei was looking for horses. There was a market with a couple of horses. He walked up to the cashier and asked, " You selling those horses?"

"Yah? You want to buy?" he replied.

"Yes, but can you tell me how many miles they run?"

"Sure." The guy said.

While walking to the horses, the guy said, "My name is Willie Sexton."

"Sup Willie, just give me the best horse you got." Jiang Wei said… "Oh yeah. I'm Jiang Wei."

"Ello Jiang Wei." Willie said with some Arab accent.

When they go there, Willie introduced Jiang Wei to a horse.

"This is Captain Rico."

It was a black horse with cancer.

"Umm…how fast does it run? He asked.

"I think it runs .999 miles."

Jiang Wei was surprised buy trying to be nice, "That's cool! But got any other?"

"Sure." Willie said and took Jiang to another.

"Jiang Wei, this is Dick Long."

This horse was yellow, but there was nothing on it.

"Why is this horse yellow?" Jiang asked.

"Some other horses like to urinate on it, but it can run up to 550 miles."

Jiang Wei was thinking to himself. _UHHH! But that is a good number of miles. Nah…_

"Interseting. Any other?"

"Yah…"

"This Bob Dickenson."

"Hmm. There is nothing wrong with this one." Jiang Wei said.

"Oh it has some issues…" Willie said.

"Like what?"

"It talks…"

"WHAT?"

"Hello" said Bob.

Jiang Wei was too scared to talk to him.

"C'mon! I ain't that scary!"

Jiang Wei shaking said, "How many miles can you run?"

"I think around 700. I have been training for a while, but no one wants me because I talk. Do you want me?" asked Bob.

"Is that a gay joke?"

"No."

"Ok. Then no."

"GO SUCK A DICK!" shouted Bob.

"Go F yourself!" Jiang Wei said.

"I already did! I got myself pregnant because of that!"

"EHHH! NOW I REALLY DON'T WANT YOU! WILLIE LETS GO!"

"Okey!"

"Now…this is my rarest horse. Her name is Boobert."

Laughing Jiang Wei asked, " Who named all of your horses?"

"I did."

_God, you must be insane. _Jiang Wei thought.

Boobert was a maroon horse that was almost perfect. One of her leg was injured.

"What happened to her?" Jiang Wei asked.

"Oh…she wanted to go play with those boy horses. And ended up like this somehow."

"Ok? And the miles?"

"I guess about 900 miles." Willie guessed.

" I guess I'll take her. How much?" Jiang Wei asked. _Her leg will heal._

"10,000 gold." Willie concurred.

Jiang Wei almost shouted in his face about the price, but he remembered Guan Yu's words. _I don't care how much money it takes, or how many lives you have to take, you will get me another horse as fast as Red Hare_

"Here you go." Jiang Wei said while paying Willie.

"Tank You."

"This horse can still walk right?" Jiang Wei asked.

"Yes, she just can't run as fast yet."

"Ok…that's fine." Jiang Wei said and left the market with Boobert.

Jiang Wei got home and showed Guan Yu the horse.

"This is my new horse?" he asked.

"Yes. This was the best they had." Jiang told him.

"How many miles?"

"900. But she has an injured leg. It will heal soon."

"It better! Or you'll die!" Guan threatens him.

"Ok?"

Jiang Wei was about to leave but Guan Yu told him one more thing.

"Can you paint her red?"

"Why?"

"So I can call her Ms. Red."

"Isn't Boobert good enough?"

"That's a really gay-ish name sorry." Guan Yu laughed.

"Whatever."

Jiang Wei left and got some paint. He painted her all around. _Got no balls eh? _

After about 50 minutes, Ms. Red was all red and redy to go.

"Here you are Lord Guan?" Jiang Wei said with Ms. Red.

"Good. But can you do just one last thing for me?" Guan asked.

"It better not be anything to do with money. I'm broke because of you!"

"No…can you wax my beard?" Guan embarrassingly asked.

"Wax? That's weird."

Guan Yu gave him some wax and so he started to wax his short beard. After half an hour, Jiang Wei was done.

"Finally." Jiang sighed.

"Thank you. You may take your leave now." Guan said.

"Thank you too."

Before Jiang Wei left throught the door, Guan Yu had asked him to turn on the lights. He did what was being asked for. When the lights switched on, Guan Yu's shiny-waxed beard gleamed to Jiang Wei's eyes. He rolled on the floor in pain…

"Hahaha…this means you did a good god Jiang Wei."

Jiang Wei stood up and left…rubbing his eyes……_I'm actually proud I tore your beard. If a small portion could do that, I wonder what the whole thing can do?_

**Ok…sorry for the wait.**

**The horse names were all weird I know…it was all made up by some friends and me**

**I think there is only 1 chapter left…sad huh?**

**1 or 2…I'll think about it.**


	9. Help

At last, the final day came for Jiang Wei's consequences. And today, will be Liu Bei's turn. Having a time to think, Liu Bei still didn't know what to do.

"You had all this time to think about what you were going to do, and you haven't thought about it yet?" Jiang Wei wondered.

Liu Bei responded, " I don't' know, I was too busy doing business."

"Then…you don't have to give me the consequences. You know, since I help you fight and all."

_Should Liu Bei let him go?_

…

…

…

…

…

"HA! You think I would let you go this easily!" Liu Bei laughed.

Wei didn't seem too happy, but at least he got time to live, since he knows that Liu takes forever to make decisions. So he left him alone…

_**The Next Day…**_

"You know he was a recruit from Wei right? If you go too far, he might go back," Zhuge Liang told Bei.

"But you have been his favorite person in the world. He won't leave JUST for this," Bei said.

"But you should know, he's smarter than that…"

"Of course…." Liu Bei sighed…

_**Next Next Day…**_

"Liu Bei, what are you going to do," asked Yue Ying.

"I…still don't know…this is going to be tough," quickly said Liu.

"Why don't you just let him off," Ying suggested.

"No! I can't let this opportunity happen!"

Yue Ying, about to talk out the door, "What did my husband say?"…..

"That he cheated on you…"

"Ass…" Yue Ying just left….

_**3x Next Day…**_

"Oh C'mon! You're no help! Why the hell are you here?" Liu Bei cried.

"I….useless?" Wei Yan started to sob.

"Yes…but, just stick around here to fight for me." Liu Bei said evilly.

"……….gggrrrr…" Wei Yan growled….

Wei Yan then passes wind…(farted) to piss off Liu Bei, but then find outs that Liu Bei wansn't in the same room.

"It….smelll…" Yan fainted…

_**4x Next Day…**_

"Ma Chao…"…

"Huh?…" Ma Chao stopped his training and heard Liu Bei.

"What should I do?" Liu Bei politely in a sarcastic way asked.

"Ask another person but me." Ma Chao went on his horse and left…

"Ask another….person?" Liu Bei thought and went into the castle.

"I GOT IT!"

Quickly, he gave 2 different orders to 2 soldiers. Then they left….

"I don't think it is the best idea, but….it's the best I have."

_**Nexy Day…**_

2 unknown soldiers came and welcomed themselves home to Liu Bei's province.

"Ok Liu Bei, what did you send me here for? I could have been out having a party…." Said one dude.

"…and I could have been out protecting my family! And maybe getting drunk somewhere." Said the other dude.

"Gosh! I'm….. Sorry but I need help!" Bei hesitated to say.

Guan Yu walked in. "Liu Bei! What are you doing with Cao Cao and Sun Jian?"

"I need their help to help me punish Jiang Wei." Bei answered.

"I can't believe you need our help!" Sun Jian said. "I mean, you're one of the Kingdom leaders!"

"Who cares, I just want to know what happened to Guan Yu's beard!" Cao Cao laughed.

"Jiang Wei…THAT FOOL!" Guan Yu got pissed off to find Jiang Wei to bring to the three Leaders.

"Ummm…Cao Cao, did you have to be so cruel? He IS my brother…"

"But JUST LOOK AT HIS BEARD!" Cao still continued laughing. "It's a PRICELESS PICTURE!"

"Ok….Can we just get on with whatever. I desprately want to go back home." Sun Jian asked.

"Ok. I just want for you two to help me make him suffer. That's all I want." Bei pleaded.

"What did he do anyways?" Cao asked.

"That's…..not of your concern…" Bei said.

"Oh. That's very helpful…I don't' think I want to help anymore!" Jian yelped.

"Yeah…" Cao agreed.

"Oh…that's very nice! Trying to make ME suffer now huh?" Liu said embarrassingly.

"No. We just want to know what he did! C'mon. It can't be THAT bad!" Cao pretended to be sympathetic.

"Ok Fine…."…

Jian and Cao braced themselves….

"He……He….Jiang Wei….he…..pissed on the floor…."…

Cao Cao yelled, "OH MY GOD! (disgusted) WHY THE HELL!

Sun Jian laughed, "You can't even train your OWN warriors!"

"Holly Crap…! Cao Cao was still disgusted….

"I didn't think they wouldn't be able to know how to use the toilet! Who doesn't!" Liu Bei cried.

"….Jiang Wei..?"…the two said…

"He doesn't count!" Liu Bei ingnored.

Guan Yu came back with Jiang Wei…

"Here he is brother. What shall you do with him?" Guan Yu still pissed off said.

"Gosh…you didn't have to capture me here. I could have walked myself." Jiang Wei said, with his arms a crossed his chest."

"Quiet….you human!" Guan slpped his back…

"Like….OW! Hey? What are Cao Cao and Sun Jian doing here?"

"We've heard that…you've been bad lately, and did something wrong…." Cao Cao happily said…

"And we are here to…._punish you_. For doing the wrong things." Sun Jian continued.

Jiang looked surprised, "Wow. Liu Bei hired 2 dudes to help him punish me….this isn't good…."

"Hehehehehehe…"Everyone including Guan Yu started to laugh…..

"Oh boy…"

**Hell….what WILL happen to him? I still haven't decided. Aww….**

**Just hope you guys don't miss him…he might be gone in a flash….**

**Or will he survive…..?**

**Hehehe…….maybe?**

**EVEN IF HE didn't deserve it, I might go overboard. Oh well….T-T**

**Guess this ISN'T the final chapter...Whoopie... **


End file.
